When Waterfowl Attack

Ducks, swans, geese, they all look the same to me. And they're dangerous. They attack with or without provocation. They can't be trusted. Yes, I'm racist towards anatidaes, I think they should all be locked up.

Today, we've got two lawsuits floating around that show why these creatures are so much worse than the noble turkey...

Protip: if you ever are meet that Aflac f**k in a dark alley, RUN. You don't want to end up like Cynthia Ruddell. From KATU:

Ruddell's attorney, Gregory Price, told KATU, "...the duck flapped its wings at her and knocked her back and she fell down on an outstretched hand and fractured her wrist in two spots." The incident happened May 7, 2012. Ruddell broke her right wrist, sprained or strained her elbow and shoulder, and suffered a rotator cuff injury.

Ruddell is suing the duck's owner, Lolita Rose, for not caging the animal. Rose apparently kept the duck as a pet. Ruddell says it is known in the community that the duck has an "abnormal propensity" to attack people.

But I don't think it's abnormal. That duck didn't go crazy, that duck went duck.

Meanwhile, the widow of a man who was killed by swans is suing the housing complex that kept the animals. Yes, her husband was killed by swans... swans which were his friends! From the Chicago Tribune:

For about 10 years, Anthony Hensley, 37, a father of two, came around the Bay Colony Drive condo complex near Des Plaines regularly to tend to a pair of swans meant to keep geese and their droppings away, his family and residents told the Tribune.

On the morning of April 14, 2012, one of the swans attacked Hensley, causing his kayak to topple, according to witnesses at the time. The bird continued to lunge at him as he struggled to make it to shore before he disappeared under water, authorities said after the attack. He was pronounced dead at a hospital after dive crews scoured the 50-foot-deep pond to find him, authorities added.

See kids, they never get to the part in the Ugly Duckling where the duck, after years of torture and anguish, turns into King Swan the Deathbeak who viciously attacks all who cross his path. It's in the original Hans Christian Andersen.

In any event, his widow is suing the condo complex and, according to the Tribune, the "Knox Swan and Dog, LLC, which places the birds in ponds as goose deterrents."

Jesus Christ Pâté, the building keeps swans to fight off the geese? If a duck is going to break your wrist and a swan is going to drown your ass, how diabolical are the freaking geese?

I'm so happy I live in Manhattan. The only thing I have to worry about is getting hepatitis from a pigeon.

Lawyer Gets Attacked By Polar Bear And Lives To Tell About It [Above the Law]